


Sacrifice of Sheep

by A3Notes



Category: Kagerou Project
Genre: 14 august 2018, 15 august 2018, AU, Bullying, F/M, Self Harm, Unrequited Love, a few references to other things but that doesn't matter, happy heat haze, how does tagging work, im so sorry, minor OCs - Freeform, shortstory, the normal kagepro stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-14
Updated: 2018-08-14
Packaged: 2019-06-27 07:02:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15680394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A3Notes/pseuds/A3Notes
Summary: 「 You may cry until you lose your voice but no one will hear you.  」This is a story from long, long ago, back in our ancestor's time. It was about two gods who were at discord with each other. They'd always abuse and quarrel with each other, and while that happened a thunderstorm would rage in the skies. Thus, two separate villages were formed.One day, traitorous pawns appeared in both villages, and upon knowing that, the two gods became really cross.It was just like the end of the world, pandemonium, and the lowest level of hell rolled into one. There was too much conflict, and everything went out of control. This caused much bewilderment and fear among the people; there was not a moment of peace. Upon forming a feeble pact, they laid the blame on each other. After some cunning deliberation, the came up with a simple solution of offering a sacrifice.Alas, it is you, Marylamb.「 It is you, that all the fingers are pointing at. 」





	1. 「 01. conflict 」

**Author's Note:**

> i started this au a long time ago with a friend (who probably doesn't want to be mentioned) and finally got around to finishing it this year for heat haze. yeah, happy heat haze everyone. i hate kagepro goodbye

There were a lot of things that Hemi-shinja and Nagamushi knew about each other.

They were like twins, connected like no other. Almost like soulmates, lovers, or something stronger.

Hemi-shinja had blonde pigtails, long, lacy hair and was like a queen to those in her year. The girl was wealthy, she owned many lacy Lolita dresses which she frequently wore, all the new gear and she had lived in the biggest estate in the town. She simply looked elegant with her red eyes and pale white skin. She also excelled in all her subjects, had many medals in multiple different extracurricular activities. Everyone either wanted to be noticed by her or be her.

Nagamushi was like a king. She had similar daring red eyes to Hemi-shinja's, short, black hair, olive skin and many said she was the epitome of perfection. Her body was slim, and she did everything with her head up high, smirking at those beneath her, knowing that they couldn't even compare to her. In fact, she was two years younger than everyone in her grade since Nagamushi was a child prodigy in chemistry and netball. She could pick any hobby up with ease, and master it within a year.

Displeased with a rival, they set their feet against each other and duelled in whatever they could. In the end, they always ended in a deuce, and never had been able to beat each other in anything. That was, until a new girl appeared and her name was Rika.

Rika had just moved to Japan from Korea, and though she was average at her grades, she was able to talk to the both of them regarding their rivalry. She said, "Why not you settle this by being friends? That way, you can still try to duel each other, but you can learn about each other's weaknesses too."

That was what the two did, and realised it was better than uselessly duelling each other. Hemi-shinja wanted to thank Rika for what she had suggested, but instead of having a normal "thank you" kind of conversation, they delved deeper within each other and Hemi-shinja noticed how similar both of them were. She brought Rika back to Nagamushi, and since then, they had formed a group of friends and gossiped about trivial things. They taught each other of fashion they knew of that were in season, and would always wear the same things whenever they went out together. Every outfit they were seen wearing -- it spread like fire and soon everyone had bought their own.

The trio felt like they ruled the world.

Together, they got involved with so much drama, from fights over boys, over sensitive Hemi-shinja, bullying, people "stealing" each other from Rika, fighting over grades, and so, so much more. It was chaotic, honestly.

Hitting puberty together, they were reunited and had learned heaps of things about each other until they thought they could never be split apart. Hemi-shinja suggested for Nagamushi to wear expensive makeup from her home to cover up her acne. Rika helped her apply it. Nagamushi, in return, shared pads whenever it was lady day. Sometimes they'd style each other's hair in pigtails, braids, the unusual low ponytail that Nagamushi and Rika loathed, and the pretty braided buns with silky satin ribbons.

They'd also make daisy chains and flower crowns whenever they sat in a patch of grass together, and took pictures of each other when they weren't looking. Contrasting to that, they'd also play games of soccer or netball with Rika as the referee, and the reporter who was very over dramatic about everything. Even more so, they had created a girl group to make music since it was fun.

Everything was a bliss in those few years that they had met, everyday was full of excitement and they fulfilled they empty holes in their hearts before they met each other.

Until one day, Rika felt both of them were changing. To her, Hemi-shinja was becoming distant and Nagamushi was getting too arrogant for her own good. She told these Nagamushi what she thought of Hemi-shinja, and Hemi-shinja what she thought of Nagamushi. Rika kept noticing things she hated about the both of them, and constantly back stabbed them about each other. Neither of them realised that it was Rika that started their friendship, and was brutally ending it.

By the end of middle school, the two would always bicker, fight, and harass each other everyday. Rika had gone back to Korea, and eventually, high school began.


	2. 「 02. pick your side 」

A long red scarf which wrapped around Ayano's neck blew in the wind. She had a determined look on her face as she headed to high school. However, she was a bit afraid. Ayano wasn't late or anything, in fact, she'd probably made it a bit too early to school. What she was really afraid of was whether she'd make any friends.

Sure, with her easygoing and lovable personality, she would quickly make small talk with her classmates and such. But she didn't really fit into any groups or cliques at school. She wasn't particularly smart, athletic and didn't have a hobby. She was happy with what she had and was quite a pushover. But, with her 'too oblivious' and 'too nice' personality, she never got mad if anyone seemed like they were taking advantage of her.

She was a person too kind and too passive to get mad or resent someone.

She was a beautiful girl with chestnut brown hair and deep brown eyes, these were traits she received from her late mother. She kept her hair in place by holding them away from her face with crimson red hair clips that pinned her chestnut brown locks back. Her hair would've been several inches below her shoulders, but her red scarf covered it. Ayano would rarely ever be seen without her red scarf on as it was a memorabilia back from the times when she and her adopted siblings were living in much simpler times.

Ayano quietly sighed as she stepped past the front gates of her new high school. She was anxious though she anticipated that, as it was her first year.

The high school she was going to was just a temporary school for her first year. The grounds didn't really belong to her school, it belonged to Harajuku High School and after an earthquake from the previous year left the grounds of her high school damaged, the authorities decided to temporarily place the students of her school with Harajuku High School's students.

It was two schools in one.

Double the students, double the chaos.

What made it worse was that she was absent during the essential times of ice breaking period between students (and teachers). When students were getting to know each other and making friends, she was lying in her bed, miserably wheezing and light-headed.

Despite her calm and healthy-looking self, Ayano was actually a very sickly person. Her small 'cold' took a turn for the worse a few days before the first day of school started and she was stuck at home, sick with a fever for the entire week.

The girl thwacked her face with her palms, regaining her determined expression. She gave herself encouragement, gripping her fingers tightly, balling them into fists. Ayano began to walk, entering the school gates, trying to remember where her class was. The mainly empty halls with bits of audible chatter here and there were somehow comforting. She saw that the students had different uniforms, one from Harajuku High School, and her own school. In all honesty, Ayano couldn't remember the name of her school, and kinda just called hers "High School."

While Harajuku students were wearing somewhat more formal uniforms, Ayano wore a black and white sailor uniform.

She then continued walking down the halls, fumbling her way through the growing social circles, and remembered her class. 1-E, on the first floor. Staring at the signs, she eventually found it, and opened the sliding door to the class, relieved.

There were already a few people there, talking to their friends, seeming to have a good time. They were all wearing the same uniform, meaning they came from Ayano's school, with the same sailor uniform. She looked around for her seat, which was surprisingly labelled with a sticker, and her name on it.

The table was at the back, next to the window. It was the generic anime protagonist seat, but it didn't really matter. She actually liked that seat, since it was quite fun sitting there dramatically staring out the window. Ayano put her bag on the hanger, and plopped down on her seat. Opening her bag, she made sure she had everything, and then peeled off the sticker on the table with her name on it, throwing it in the bin.

The girl sat there until homeroom began, half aware of her surroundings. She didn't realise the boy that sat down in the seat next to her, looking quite dead. She didn't notice the black-haired red-eyed bitch that walked into the class like a queen. She didn't notice them discussing their hatred for the other school.

Alas, the bell rang, and the class began.

A generic teacher entered the classroom, and talked about what was happening that day, etc. It went through one ear and out the other, Ayano found herself zoning out of most of it. Period one began, in which Ayano nearly fell asleep during. Period two, she actually did fall asleep, only to be woken through a piece of chalk thrown at her. There was a 'thwack' to the forehead, and Ayano awoke. She had a confused, sleepy face, only for the current teacher to yell at her and pay attention. When she realised where she was, she apologised profusely.

The day went on without much really happening, until Lunch time. There was a girl that Ayano noticed, someone she hadn't seen before, but felt familiar.

The girl had black hair, cut short, with red eyes that always were glaring. She stopped anyone from leaving and confined the class in the class.

"Listen up. I am Nagamushi Towa, and you will do as I say." the girl yelled, her monotonous voice echoing throughout the room. The entire room was silent, and Ayano had never felt more uncomfortable in the presence of someone.

Nagamushi took a deep breath, and began to speak. "Those in Harajuku must have heard of Hemi-shinja.... the one that is my rival. The one whom I thought was my friend that ended up destroying my reputation and is too goddamn full of herself. She seeks revenge on me and everyone who admires me. I want to take her down once and for all, so that she no longer harms you. I have heard of the previous incidents her pawns have stirred up with those in this class. Do not worry, as long as you are loyal to me, I will protect you all from her wrath."

All eyes were on her. She had the centre spotlight, every person was drawn to her every action, to every word.

The red-eyed girl spoke diligently, and stared at everyone equally. Or, at least, that's what they thought.

"So, tell me, are you on my side, or hers?" She asked, putting her hands on her hips.

The entire class erupted, screaming things like "Queen Nagamushi! Queen Nagamushi!" and "Of course we're on your side!"

There were no bystanders left now, because of Nagamushi's repetitive speeches and her eyes. No bystanders... apart from Ayano and the boy that sat next to her.

Said boy tried to ignore Nagamushi, and was having a difficult time doing so.

"Hey! You! Dude that sits at the back near the window!" Nagamushi pointed at him. He stared at her, uncomfortable with all eyes on him. "Are you on my side or not?"

He nods slightly, panicking.

Nagamushi huffs. "Better be."

Ayano was ignored, thankfully.

 

___

 

The next few days went by more or less the same, but soon, many of Ayano's classmates had bruises all over, from fights between Hemi-shinja's pawns. Eventually, people from Harajuku started joining Nagamushi's side, and those from Ayano's school joined Hemi-shinja. Throughout all this, Ayano was ignored and a bystander of it all.

That is, until the Friday of the 6th week.

There was a large conference between those from both Nagamushi's and Hemi-shinja's side, without them. They began to talk politely about issues from both Nagamushi and Hemi-shinja. Nagamushi was angered by the past, and Hemi-shinja didn't simply forgive and forget. Hemi-shinja resented and remembered.

Girl A spoke up. "We need to solve this before it destroys both schools."

Girl B shook her head. "I don't believe 'we' can do anything. It's up to the both of them if they want to fix it or not. "

Guy C raised a hand. "How about... we offer a sacrifice?"

Girl A looked at Guy C, confused. "What do you mean?"

Guy C faltered, but continued to speak. "Uhm, we chose someone to blame both of the faults of Nagamushi and Hemi-shinja. Someone who hasn't chosen a side nor cares about this entire conflict issue."

Guy B slams a palm on the table. "I know the perfect candidate. Ayano Tateyama from class 1-E, my class. She came late to school and is confused about what is going on. This is somewhat wrong, but we gotta do it to end this all."

Girl D nods her head. "I think that's a good idea. If she is good enough to satisfy Nagamushi-sama and Hemi-shinja then I believe that should be done. I agree with this idea."

Many more began to agree with it, and the conference was over.

 

___

 

When Nagamushi heard of those on her side switching to Hemi-shinja, she was enraged. An anger none wanted to ever see again in their life. Those that had witnessed it were covered in bruises, cuts and splinters all over their body.

There wasn't any purpose to this pathetic rivalry anymore, Nagamushi and Hemi-shinja simply craved a war. They were delighted about the in-fighting and amount of conflict that they had created. This didn't mean they ever forgave each other, they only hated each other more.

And Ayano?

The news of the sacrifice spread like wildfire, and thus began her own personal hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i need to edit this lol


	3. 「 03. in the silence 」

It began with pretending Ayano was dead.

There was a vase of flowers on her desk, one day when she came to school.

They were white lilies, typically used in funerals. The flowers were rotting—as they weren't even in water—but were in a cheap, plastic vase.

Ayano knew what it meant, but tried to not let it bother her. She put her bag down as usual, set the flowers on the windowsill, and did her work as usual. However, whenever she asked a question to her peers, or did anything involving other people, they either ignored her or said something like, "I feel like I'm hearing things."

Bluntly put, they were ignoring her existence.

Although Ayano didn't have any friends at school in the first place, she tried to keep her head up and not let any of the current events get to her. She didn't want to be discouraged at school.

But then, the days dragged on, the same things happening over and over again. She was ignored by all her peers, shoved and kicked, by those that pretended they had done no wrong. Eventually, when they did recognise her existence again, they called her names, they called her dumb, they would steal her shoes and lunch, and they had locked her inside a storage room for an entire night once.

Ayano fell ill again quickly, and took many days off school. She began to feel afraid of each day, of each moment she stepped into the school grounds. The girl couldn't remember any of their faces, they all blended into each other and became the same. Her peers claimed that they were simply "fooling around" and "playing."

Nagamushi was the worst of them. When she was with Ayano, it would start with something nice and girly, soon only to become twisted. Once promising to help her study, ended in a one-sided fight in the classroom after school. Once giving her candy, only for it to be expired and with dead bugs. Over and over, Ayano trusted her, only for it to fade, to be crushed so easily.

There were bystanders that just watched all of this happen to Ayano, laughing or simply staring and doing nothing. Ayano had never felt worse in her life.

Her parent never noticed the bruises and scars she had when she came home, he was too busy with work. As for Ayaka, her mother, who would've cared and noticed and moved her out of the school, she had died in the earthquake that damaged her former school building.

Kido, Kano, and Seto noticed it, and tried their best to cover up her bruises and wounds, while wiping her never-ending tears. Her siblings all agreed it was horrible to watch their sister like this, the one that treated them so kindly while the world rejected them. They really wanted to fight the people that did this to her, but they knew they were as powerless to it as much as her. Throughout all this, Ayano never said she hated them. She never hated the people that gave her mental and physical scars, she never held anything against them. Ayano still, still, throughout her own pain, wanted to fix them.

She really didn't deserve any of this.

Each day was painful for the poor girl, but she still put on the red clips and scarf, putting a smile on her face. Ayano tried her best, she always tried her best.

There was one day that was less painful than the past few months.

The day when the boy that sat next to her spoke to her.

Ayano was about to have her lunch which, thankfully, wasn't stolen that day, when the guy stood up and looked at her. He stared for a while, making Ayano quite uncomfortable, until she turned to return his stare.

"Um, what do y-you want?" She mumbled, eventually averting her gaze.

He sighed.

"Pack your lunch and follow me. I need to talk to you."

Ayano did just that, the whole time the guy watched her. When she had slung her bag over her shoulder, the boy began walking up the stairs, to the roof. The door seemed to look like it was locked, which was why no one ever went up to the roof. But the boy fiddled with the lock, and pried the door open. It turned out the lock was broken.

He walked onto the roof, where the sun shone down strongly, it was extremely bright. The roof was what Ayano expected it to be, but with a few benches here and there. When Ayano followed behind him, she closed the door behind her. The boy took a deep breath, and then sighed again.

"This school is utter chaos."

Ayano nodded, somewhat restless in this guy's presence. She was anxious, whenever she was called out by someone else either alone or with a group they ended up doing unpleasant things to her. For once, this didn't happen. He simply... talked.

"The name's Shintaro Kisaragi. In all honesty, I never wanted to partake in this childish war, but if you don't, bad things happen to you." He stared coldly at Ayano. "You're the biggest example of that in this mess."

Shintaro sat down on one of the benches, and urged her to sit next to him.

He pointed at her bag. "You should eat. No one will find you here. In fact, I'm going to start eating too."

So Ayano did.

Ayano was actually quite suspicious of Shintaro, but nevertheless, was happy to be treated like a person. Although, she realised quickly that he probably pitied her. But... Ayano was a little happy.

For the rest of lunchtime, Shintaro ignored her, like he usually did in class, but it was peaceful. She hadn't said a single word to him during their silence on the roof, but she never felt she needed to say anything in the first place.

 

___

 

It was too fast. This happy moment she shared with him for possibly 30 minutes—it was over as if it never happened in the first place. After lunch, it resumed—this endless hell. More words were scrawled all over that desk of hers; words filled with empty scorn and hatred. Why did they hate her so much? What had she done wrong?

She opened her mouth to say something, but even as she opened her mouth, her lips were trembling, and she wasn't able to move.

Frail fingers reached out to touch the desk—the various words written there, the various writing tools used—some left a mark on her skin, some didn't. The girl held back her whimpering voice, and got out a few tissues from her bag, and began to wipe the desk with a shivering hand.

Some of the words still stuck to the desk; as some were carved into the desk, and others were done with a permanent marker, gone over many times. But at least the chalk and the pencil were easily wiped away, though the ache in her heart wasn't.

 

___

 

When Ayano got home, she felt sick. Her father was too busy to notice, and though her siblings were happy she was home, they didn't notice that she was suffering, though they were aware of her situation at school.

She didn't want to eat, although by 11:00 pm, she felt as though she was starving. The urge in her stomach grew louder and louder, and her stomach growled over and over. But Ayano suppressed the urge to eat; to move in even the slightest. This pain was what she deserved. Her mind blanked as the urge slowly dissipated, though everything hurt and she couldn't find the energy to move.

The girl refused to eat over and over, and the only time she'd eat was on the roof top with Shintaro. The one person that didn't harass her to the point she wanted to die. The only one she felt safe with. Even in the silence, where they didn't share a single word, it was comforting. It was enough for her.

Was it?

At this point, she barely had enough energy to stand. Everyday she would starve herself so she became numb to the pain that others would throw at her. At least this pain of hers she was able to control—she was able to stop and start it whenever. Perhaps that was why she did it. Ayano couldn't concentrate at anything, and she was failing. But she didn't care. It didn't hurt as much as it used to, it didn't hurt, it didn't hurt.

But as the days dragged on and her hell continued for months on end, she began to lose her sanity. There was no reason left for her to live—apart from, perhaps, her siblings at home.

Because the girl had become a "sacrifice," a tribute to the gods.


	4. 「 04. perhaps this is sympathy 」

An “angel” was someone that came from the heavens to save them. But Ayano’s “angel” was Shintaro, the only person in this terrible merged school that didn’t hurt her. He never did anything when she was harassed, but at least he wasn’t the one causing her this grief.

Those two—Hemi-shinja and Nagamushi, as she learnt their names—were the ones that caused this… this pain. All of it. An endless war of spite and hatred towards each other. How would it end? Would it even end in the first place? But, despite all that had happened, she couldn’t bring herself to blame them, to hate them. The person Ayano really hated was herself, as it was her fault that she even existed to begin with. There was no reason to hate them for something she couldn’t even control. So she closed her eyes, and resumed her daily life.

Her heart thudded softly in her chest as she approached the door to the roof. With slight hesitation, the girl’s fingers brushed against the broken lock. Confidence suddenly surged through her, and those pale plaster-covered fingers turned the knob, and she stepped onto the roof.

Ayano was greeted with soft rays of sunlight. It was lunchtime, which meant she got to spend more time with him, the one that comforted her in the silence.

Maybe this was the only reason she even turned up to school. For this one, irreplaceable moment she shared with him.

She sat on the bench, her usual spot, and began to eat her lunch. The boy turned up shortly afterwards, and sat next to her. They didn’t exchange words, but the feeling of someone not hurting her as soon as they saw her really got her going. Ayano felt her heartbeats slow from the erratic thumping into a calmer one.

“Hey.”

The girl turned to face the sound of the voice.

Taking a gulp, she replies.

“Ye… Yes?”

Shintaro shifts slightly, an uncomfortable look on his face.

“I… I saw your test scores. They’re really,” He mumbles slightly, before continuing. “Bad.”

“Ah. Yeah. I know.” It’s an empty response, but Ayano can’t really bring herself to say anything else.

“So… uh… How do I put this…” Shintaro bites his lips. “I’m going to help you with that. Seeing such a low score makes me feel uncomfortable, you see…”

He isn’t looking at her.

“That sounded terrible. But. Well. I wanna help you, basically.”

Ayano blinks a few times before it settles in.

“You… What?” She feels her lips tremble and her heartbeat fasten.

“Seriously? Help me? Are… are you-”

“Yes. Afterschool. Meet me in homeroom around 4:00 pm. You need serious help.”

Maybe grades weren’t the thing he should be most concerned about with her, but… This meant she could spend more time with him. Ayano wouldn’t pass that up.

“Uh… Su-sure!”

 

____

  


After school, an afternoon sun shone brightly in the classroom. Ayano stumbled into the room, noticing no one was there yet. She sat at her desk, clean of writing for once, then sets out her books. A few moments later, Shintaro walks in, not even batting an eye that she was already there.

Alike the rooftop, no words were exchanged.

And then he sat next to her, staring at the folded cranes she had put atop her desk.

“...”

“...”

They were all examination papers, failing scores scribbled on the wings. These were from the most recent exams, at most done last week. And to see the girl had nonchalantly folded them into paper cranes.

“You… You don’t care about school, do you?” Those were the words that left his mouth before he could stop himself. This girl; donning the red scarf and the red clips, fingers covered in plasters; the one who smiled so innocently whilst bruises graced her face. She was smiling, smiling at _him_ , when she really should be crying after what had been happening.

A giggle escapes her, and she covers her mouth bashfully.

“Nope!”

This single word, said in such a sing-songy way—it resonated around the empty classroom with a dimming sky that reflected against the glass. Her lips curved into a smile, and she aligned the cranes into a line. Pointing at them, the girl began to speak.

“Final score in Science, 26. Maths? 31. English,” she picked up the crane and looked at the wing. “Ooh, a 47. Moving on,” Ayano put the crane back down. “Japanese, 38. Social studies, hm, oh wait, this is history. 21.”

Shintaro stared at her, amazed that she hadn’t repeated a year.

“You… You’re going to fail this year, Tateyama.”

“I doubt it.”

The girl smiled again.

“What the hell are you on about?”

“My dad works here, at this school. He probably makes sure I pass so that it doesn’t cause him any trouble. Unfair, but then again,” She held up her hand covered in bandages. “Not a single thing in this world is fair.”

Her smile fades into a thin line.

“Anyway. Enough about me. I really do want help, so… I really appreciate you’re doing this for me, Kisaragi.” Ayano’s voice lowers into a whisper; a murmur.

“... Okay.”

It was one study session of many to come.

 

___

 

Unintentionally, that heartbeat of hers became more and more erratic. The hunger in her stomach never quelled, nor did the writing on her desk or the bruises that grew all over her body. Perhaps she wanted to be saved from this hell, perhaps she was looking for a way out. But she couldn’t find it in her to understand what the throbbing in her heart was.

On and on, she went throughout her day feeling empty and dead and sleep deprived. All the energy in her had been sapped out long ago, and yet, the thought of the rooftop lunches and the study sessions in an empty class gave her energy. She’d find the energy to walk up the stairs or stay awake until after school.

Then the realisation hit her like a truck.

Shintaro.

The boy that almost never spoke to her, but never hurt her, either.

Perhaps he was kindness in this cruel world. Perhaps he was her angel.

Perhaps she was in love with him.

It really wasn’t anything deep. At most, it was likely a crush or she craved some sort of happiness in her dull life. But she had to admit it, in some way, she felt giddy and excited just to meet him.

When she came to a conclusion about her feelings, her thoughts thudded to a stop.

Ayano pressed her lips together and wrapped the red fabric around her neck. She adjusted the regular red clips in her hair for the sixth time, then brushed the fringe in her face. Staring into her reflection, she releases a sigh.

The world spins; although she stands perfectly still, and she struggles to stand upright.

_I’m hungry._

Her stomach growls and she feels herself die inside.

_I’m hungry. I’m hungry. I’m hungry._

Without realising it, she’s collapsed to the floor and the entire world becomes a blur. Ayano can’t feel anything but the throbbing in her stomach and this heartache prevalent in her chest.

_I’m hungry. I’m hungry. I’m hungry. I’m hungry. I’m hungry. I’m hungry. I’m hungry. I’m hungry. I’m hungry. I’m hungry. I’m hungry. I’m hungry. I’m hungry. I’m hungry. I’m hungry. I’m hungry. I’m hungry. I’m hungry. I’m hungry. I’m hungry. I’m hungry. I’m hungry. I’m hungry. I’m hungry. I’m hungry. I’m hungry. I’m hungry. I’m hungry. I’m hungry. I’m hungry. I’m hungry. I’m hungry. I’m hungry. I’m hungry. I’m hungry. I’m hungry. I’m hungry. I’m hungry. I’m hungry. I’m hungry._

Her vision distorts into black.


	5. 「 05. fading words 」

It’s as if nothing even happened. She gets up and rolls out of her bed, and continues her daily life. Five seconds into opening her eyes, she thinks about Shintaro and how they’d sit again on the rooftop, and she’d be able to eat while watching him. God, she sounded creepy.

Ayano blinks, and here she is in front of the mirror again.

 

___

 

For some reason, she finds herself at her desk. Her fingers hurt, but that doesn’t matter—what mattered was the pen and paper laid in front of her. Ayano picks up the pen and begins writing.

She writes what she thinks. She writes about the pain in her chest and how much her fingers are trembling. She hates the way her words flow and the way she doesn’t know how to write at all. But, this is the answer she’s chosen for herself, no matter how transparent it seemed.

Without so much hesitation, Ayano folds the paper and dumps it into an envelope. She had decided that this is something even she would be able to do. The girl didn’t want to regret anything anymore, and despite all the ugly truths shoved down her throat, the sweet lie _he_ had showed her was more than enough to get her drunk on the idea of love.

Her lips curved into a smile, and she lazily pushed the envelope into her bag.  

 

___

 

The envelope in his hands could only be given to him by one person. Ayano Tateyama. He unfolds it, and reads it with cold eyes.

It’s a mess of gibberish, barely readable. He saw the girl’s handwriting on an exam, and it was nothing like this. There’s a single reddish stain swiped across the letter that looks suspiciously like blood. The girl’s hands are usually covered in plasters, perhaps the blood came from there.

His eyes scan to the last few words, scribbled messily, more messily than the rest.

_I love you._

The letter is thrown into the bin.

 

___

 

Ayano Tateyama is a nuisance to Shintaro Kisaragi. She was too bubbly, too cheerful, despite being tormented to hell and back. He was a bystander in all of this, unable to find a reason to stand up for her or to care. But there was something about her that made him want to push her over the edge. He’d do it in his own way, in a way he’d be able to understand.

Perhaps he wanted to witness watching her fall into complete and utter despair whilst pretending to be her only source of happiness in this entire school.

So, perhaps, he was nice to her—nice being something he had defined himself, and not the general meaning people used.

Shintaro wanted something interesting in his life, but he hated the whole Nagamushi and Hemi-shinja thing. He found that story boring, he found this school boring. But Ayano Tateyama was an anomaly—she continued to smile while her fingers were covered in cuts, dripping with blood. The girl would smile at her failing grades, her desk covered in words of scorn, and the boy who did nothing but watch her get tormented.

Why did she smile? Her voice would crack when she began to speak, her eyes dared not to cry at every movement she made, and those fingers of hers were constantly trembling. Why was she smiling?

There was absolutely no reason for her to.

But the more he found out about her, the more he wanted to pretend he didn’t know her.

If the circumstances were only slightly different, Shintaro was sure she would’ve become friends with everyone in the class with her smile alone. Although, seeing her without a smile on her face would be interesting, to say the least.

He didn’t plan on pushing her any further into hell, that is, until one of the guys in his class approached him.

The boy had a smug grin, and didn’t have a single ounce of decency.

“Hey, you’re close with the ‘sacrifice,’ right? How about you make her really sacrifice herself to the two ‘gods?’ Hm, Shintaro?”

Shintaro stops writing to look at him.

“What do you mean.”

He giggles in response, but it sounds more like maniacal laughter.

“Recommend her to die, duh.”

More and more people began to chime in.

“Yeah, yeah! Kill her! Make her die!”

“If it’s you, she’ll listen! And then maybe all of this will be over!”

“That girl will finally be free from her misery!”

More and more words swirled around the room, and his own voice began to drown out. The girl wasn’t even at school yet, and he already wanted to leave.

And then the one donning the red scarf walked into the class.

Silence for a second, then the room erupted into laughter. She stiffened up, already used to this kind of thing, then walked over to her desk. Ayano sat down wordlessly, placing her bag on the hook.

 

___

 

The rooftop, again. Here he was. What was he doing here? It had become a routine in his life, one he wasn’t able to change despite trying to stop. The girl was there, a small smile on her face. She was eating peacefully, and then gave him a wave.

“Uh… Tateyama.” He really hated how he just went along with this. “I… I think it’d be better if you were dead.”

Shintaro holds his breath, and for some reason, there’s a pain in his chest. He knows those classmates of his are watching, snickering, behind him, behind the door. They were listening to every word uttered atop the roof that was supposed to be a “safe place.”

The girl’s smile falters, but is quickly replaced with an even bigger one.

“Yep. I know.”

Though she was smiling, those eyes of hers didn’t lie. They were glossy and already began to leak tears.   



	6. 「 06. this isn’t a will 」

It really wasn’t something he wanted. That’s what he convinced himself over and over. The words that continued to tumble out of his mouth and the words of truth and lies and everything else. He silently cursed himself for speaking at all. It was a mistake. This was all a mistake.

What was he doing?

And it was too late to realise that those half-truths and those half-lies were just as empty as his heart. If he were to die today, he knew he’d be replaced, too. So why did he continue to tell her to die? Why did he even speak at all?

Did the windows reflect anything from the empty seat next to him?

He remembers walking into school to see something resembling a crime scene. Blood stained the concrete and there was yellow tape everywhere. Police cars littered the front of the school, and he sees the officers writing hectically and an ambulance. Without even having to think twice, the guilt hits him like a truck. Shintaro remembers yesterday amongst the chaos, where he saw the girl truly cry. A rare occasion a smile wasn’t on her face. Her tears were ugly, as she sat at her desk long after school, weeping. Without doing anything, he simply left.

And today was the outcome of his actions.

It was an outcome collective of the entire school’s actions.

In the assembly hall, they all pretended to weep, pretending they were kind to her. Saying sweet nothings that were supposed to be grief—although every single one of them wanted her dead.

He couldn’t say much about himself either.

But as he sat back in his usual desk, he felt sick. He wanted to throw up.

Not a single one of them appreciated her, not a single one of them thought about their actions. And after this, if their childish war continued, how many would end up just like her?

Shintaro breathes in, and doesn’t pay attention to most of his classes. His mind lingers over the red scarf and the red hair clips and that goddamn smile. He hates thinking about it, but it’s something that his mind keeps flashing back to whenever he has a spare moment. That entire day is solemn and silent, even if it was a lie.

The more he thought of her, the more the guilt in his stomach grew. The regret began to flow into him, stab him, and eventually he felt as though he was drowning in it. Remorse filled up his insides, and he felt as though he was the one that deserved to be dead, not her.

And oh god, did he feel it.

As he ate his lunch he thought about that smile again. He thought about the words scribbled in the letter, he thought about ‘love’ and ‘hate.’ He thought about everything she had said and everything she did.

But as he put his lunch back in his bag, he sees something strange.

A paper crane, in exam paper.

Hesitantly, he takes it out.

One hundred, underlined, is scrawled on the wing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey thanks for reading. excuse the mistakes i'll edit all of this later.  
> this fic was based off "sacrifice of sheep" which was an edgy vocaloid song i found years ago. i thought that it was kind of fitting for shinaya lol. anyways.  
> i've shipped shinaya for 3(?) years now and i think this has not done the ship justice. and also, there's not many fics of it so ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> i'll be back next year, hopefully. also, when's the reload? it's been two years. i.  
> ok see ya


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